I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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