yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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