it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
