Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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