my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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