I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
