I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My pussy is not your playground.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
