if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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