shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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