Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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