k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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