at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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