I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
