who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
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They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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