the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
