she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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