when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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