The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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