I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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