dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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