yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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