woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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