two words...techno handjob
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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