apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
