Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
