If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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