I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
