Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
