my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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