I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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