Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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