can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
