I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
