My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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