Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
