I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
