OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
