dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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