I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
