If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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