make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
