don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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