WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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