I want you more than these girls want KFC
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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