I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
