Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
