No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
True strength comes from lack of pants
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