I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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