I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
