so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
