Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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