Where did you get a picture of my penis
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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