i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
