yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
