New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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