i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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