here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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