I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
